A note to my grandmother

It’s difficult for me to write this post because I have not yet lived through the experience I’m writing about.

I can’t say when I will or if I ever will but I felt as though  writing about it would help me through the journey of grief. On the 24th of May 2017, I lost the Queen of heart – my grandmother, and life has never been the same since.

My mother had me when she was 22 and therefore my grandmothers (both of them equally) raised me, until I was about 5/6 years old. And so you see, I’ve always been my grandmothers’ daughter. For the longest time, I thought my grandmother would live forever, I never considered a day where I’d never be able to call my gran and talk to her. I cannot put into words how special my grandmother was/still (is) to me. There was a way that my grandmother did everything. A way of love and care, for all kinds of people. I wish I could tell her this …

“Dear Queen of Shade …

I can’t go a day without thinking about you. It’s not the same now that you’re gone. I wish I could call you but I know you won’t answer and that makes me sad. I want to celebrate your life but it’s so difficult because I wasn’t ready for you to go. I want to thank you for being the best part of my life. The most uncomplicated and genuine of them all. What we had was true love and I doubt there will ever be any other just like this one. Everything about you made me happy, your life brought me happiness and I hope that the happiness you gave me will continue to live on inside of me. I want to thank you for sharing your life with me and giving me a chance to be myself. You never gave up on me and therefore I will never give up on myself. You really liked to sing and without you I wouldn’t know as many Bible hymns as I do. I’m not sure when it comes to your dancing though, you had rhythm but I wouldn’t bet money on your moves. Thank you for teaching me how to sit and giving me my name “Maqalaza” (Maqalaza is Zulu for “wondering eyes”). You were slow to anger and quick to listen, this is something I’m still working on. Thank you for being an amazing mother to both my parents and for all the support you gave them. I cannot remember a day where you were angry or unhappy, mainly because you didn’t have time for all that. You always saw the good in others and gave them a chance even when they didn’t deserve it. You really prayed a lot and that’s what I admired most about you. All your prayers were for others and never about yourself. You were rich in many things and it’s all because of how generous you were. You gave until you couldn’t give. I wish you would be here for my graduation and to read bible verses to my future children but God knows exactly what He’s doing. You went to sleep on this side &I’m woke up in paradise.

I know you’re gone but I still miss you. I will release you and let you go, but not yet. I know you had to go and I will try not to tie myself to you. It is time I travel alone and let you soar. I will treasure the memories in my heart and when I need you, I will call you. I won’t be able to see or touch you but I know you will be there. I will remember the love we shared and not cry because you are now free. You will always be the best part of my life and your love will always be the greatest one.

I love and miss you so much.”

KADAN – (n) “where the heart lies”, an all-purpose word for a person one cares about, including friends, family and loved ones.

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