“I am a virgin…” I don’t know if I should give you a few seconds to let that sink in because it’s what I’ve had to do most times after revealing that. I don’t know why but for some reason that really shocks people, it’s always either a shock to them or a complete joke. Like, it’s such a crazy thing to be a virgin, right. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t bother mentioning it because I know I’m opening up a can of worms for questions like “why not?” or “what are you waiting for?”.
To be honest with you, I never thought at this age (21) I’d still be a virgin, especially in our current society. I always thought maybe I’d lose my virginity at my Matric After Party or at least in my Matric year (2014), obviously, that didn’t pan out as I imagined. Later on, that year I made a conscious decision to only have sex once I was married, mostly because of my Christian upbringing and because I thought I had missed my opportunity by then. Coming from a Christian family, I know how important that moment of losing your virginity would be and to be quite honest having sex was never really a big thing for me, being a virgin was normal and it didn’t seem like I was missing out on anything. It’s only after leaving high school that I realized that sex was a huge part of a relationship/companionship and that at some point I’d have to do the deed. Needless to say, any guy that tried to pursue a relationship with me would always slide in the sex topic casually and I’d ignore it. Most times, the guy would just assume that I’m already sexually active, until I shut them down obviously. Some guys would act like they’re cool with it and they’d tell me that they can wait till “I’m ready”. After a few days, they’d try their luck again only to find that I’m STILL not ready. Some guys (and this is most) would be completely put off by me. They’d lose interest immediately as if me not wanting to have sex made me unattractive all of a sudden. This soon became a pattern; a guy would like me and chat me up and the moment I turned down the sex card – I’d be dead weight to him. It didn’t however stop me from pursuing love/relationships, and it soon became a vicious cycle of acceptance and rejection though. Some people would jokingly tease me about it and it was very apparent that it made me seem very strange amongst other words.
But no matter how embarrassing it was for me or how strange it made me, I was and still am very sure that the only DICK I want in my life is:
D – displays of affection
I – intimate conversation
C – constant reassurance
K – kind words of encouragement
(Granted that you can have the above plus the actual dick)
My experience brought me to a realization about the kind of relationship I want to invest in. I realized that all those guys that walked away because I wasn’t ready to have sex weren’t prepared to offer me the kind of D.I.C.K I wanted and that’s okay with me. I want someone who loves me because I exist, because I am whole and sex is just something that is added on. I don’t want a guy who’s working towards laying in the sheets with me and has a target on me. I want someone that loves me and I want them to mean it and when they say it, it means that they choose me. Someone that serves me and appreciates the wholeness of who I am and they accept my truth. They honour and respect me for all that I stand for. I feel like anyone can offer me sex, but offering someone your heart and the inner most parts of yourself is so much more meaningful for. It is especially important for me because I am still working on loving and accepting my body, which is why I want it to be someone that I can be vulnerable with when it comes to all my stretch marks, my cellulite and my love handles. Someone that can commit to a life-long journey before tasting and enjoying the fruits of my tree. And I know I’m making it seem like it’s so easy, but it’s not. Sometimes I want to jump on a man and just break my vow but a huge part of me also wants to kill the part of me that believes that I can’t build a real lasting relationship without sex. I want someone to fall in love with me before they can be within me. To be one in mind and heart, and then seal the deal with our bodies. I’m not even going to act like I’ve never been in situations where I can feel that it’s leading up to that moment and I am trying with every hormone within me to not be go ahead with it, I have practiced restraint so many times and it has given me power over situations. So many people consider sex as a casual activity, I believe that sex is a soul tie experience. Once you have sex with someone, your souls are entwined. You leave a piece of yourself with them, and they leave a piece of themselves with you. I can’t imagine leaving pieces of myself in every relationship I’ve been in. And I can’t imagine dragging some poor boys’ soul everywhere I’ve been. I want a love with no expiration date, a timeless love that doesn’t depend on physical terms and conditions like sex.
I want someone who will fill me up in spaces that I cannot see physically. And I know it’s not the norm, it’s not the popular choice and it seems rather self-righteous. However, I am allowed to own who I am and I want to live in my truth. I do not want to drown in the opinions of others. No sex before marriage is a lot to aim for and I’ll update you guys on how it’s going. Sex is a beautiful thing, I want to share its beauty with someone I plan to be in oneness with love and light. I don’t mind the wait. It helps me stay away from guys who say things like “what do you mean by commitment?”. And again, I really do want to have sex. Even right now! But I’ve decided to sacrifice my short-term comforts for a long-lasting quality relationship.
[NB: You’ll notice that I am speaking about my personal life choices and ethics. I don’t expect anyone to share this notion with me. I just want to share with you my life hacks in hopes of inspiring you to create your own life hacks.] And remember to condomise and to know yours and your partners’ status.
KADAN – (n) “where the heart lies”, an all-purpose word for a person one cares about, including friends, family and loved ones.
Featured image Creators.vice.com