I’m not sure at what exact point it was, or when this became of particular importance to me but there is a moment that I wasn’t completely cognizant of where a subconscious decision was made that starting this year and going forward, I would choose me and I meant it.
In that moment, I became important to myself. I found value in me; I found myself worthy of a life that provided me with more than just a constant survival that maintained my existence. Perhaps it came from being tired or from the realisation that nobody else would choose me first and it was completely unreasonable to expect them to.
Most of us are fighting a darkness that refuses to leave us, forgetting a painful memory, seducing ourselves into a state of self love, making our best attempts daily to convince ourselves and the world around us that we are enough! These are all important battles that we must win for ourselves and in spite of ourselves.
I am not interested in the politics of a Love Olympics where one would only be convinced of my love if I gave them both lungs and stopped breathing. I couldn’t be bothered with the affections of those who give everything with a receipt marked “IOU”. I choose me. We cannot stop one another from drowning if none of us can swim to save the other. There is nothing romantic about dark holes and nights spent crying.
It’s messy enough this thing of being black and womxn in a world that speaks so loud and intently of the tragedy in which you searched and found your magic. We need to keep finding our magic, even in the places and parts of ourselves they try to tell us there is none. We need to allow one another the time and space to gather our own strength; learn to love ourselves into humanity.
So if ever I choose you, know that I chose me first. I choose me consistently and on purpose because we will never save each other if we don’t know how to save ourselves.
This article was originally posted on my personal blog https://melanosight.wordpress.com