Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, fuck the peace sign, load the chopper and let it rain on you. I don’t even know how many times I’ve played myself when it comes to a man but I know it’s way too many. It’s not even like I don’t smell the bullshit from a distance, I’d rather just fragrance the entire situation and keep it moving.
For the benefit of all the good gents out there, I do want to say that there are so MANY good men out there. I’m not sure about their exact location as yet but I know they’re out there living and breathing among us in South Africa our friend. Maybe it’s just me (I’m pretty sure it’s not just me but just for ambiance) but I’ve been dealt with some terrible human trash. I’m hoping we all have at some point because that would make me feel so much better and I’d be more comfortable knowing that we’re in this together. Again, I must say it hasn’t ALL been terrible but there was this one specific guy who really left a mark and I know we all have that ONE guy.
I had never come across a Fuckboy and I had never been told in depth about this kind of species, so when I met this guy my Fuckboy radar was non-existent and also he was just absolutely beautiful (still is beautiful but he’s dead to me now so I speak of him in past tense – just go with me here). His height wasn’t in his favor but I’m a resourceful woman and I can make anything work so I made it work. This gent waltzed into my life like he was sent from above, I was ready to wash his feet like Jesus! I mean, he knew how to present himself, he was well mannered and he spoke well too. Speaking well is kind of a deal breaker because communication is the basis of a relationship so you can imagine how dazed I was when heard him speak, let’s just say at that point I was even willing to carry his fetus. It sounds way too good to be true right? That’s exactly what I thought at the time and I still continued to walk into the trap. I kept thinking maybe this was my shot at a fairy-tale story even though I knew that such things don’t play out in real life, which is why fairy-tales are categorized as “fantasies”, right. After getting passed the good looks and charm (It took me a while), his intelligence is what drew me in deeper. He was so well learned, and his taste in music made me feel like we were so compatible. Listen, I don’t come across too many guys who like jazz and blues music so I was overly excited about us having the same taste in music. What are the chances of us liking the same music? Plenty actually but none of that mattered because it was like my oxygen was put out and I breathed him. I don’t know why I didn’t just stop playing myself because it was pretty obvious that this guy was way too perfect to be genuine. We spent a fair share of time together and he made me feel all sorts of amazing, when I was with him nothing else mattered. Let me tell you, it’s a dangerous thing when someone has the ability to consume you like that and they often use that to their advantage. I would always be available for him but I don’t ever remember a time he made an effort to come see me at my place and I sure don’t remember him coming through for me when I needed him. This was the trap of all traps and I can’t even blame him for being trash because I allowed most of it to happen, I kept giving him the benefit of the doubt thinking that he could do better. But the truth is that he had no responsibility to do better for me because we never defined the relationship so nothing really tied him to me. Not even the times we went out, the times I shared my childhood, the times I shared my dreams – none of those times rubber stamped a commitment from him. And yet I allowed myself to continue falling for someone who wasn’t falling for me, and I kept thinking that I could make him see me the way I saw him. Under all that amazing facade, I could see a real person and that’s the person I wanted. I worked way too much at trying to make him see how amazing I am but I knew in my heart that if he truly was interested in me, there would be no need for me to work that hard at it. They say “love don’t cost a thing”, falling in love with the wrong person can cost you everything sometimes. I mean, sure it didn’t cost me everything but it sure did cost me my peace of mind, my self-esteem and so many other things. All those bits and pieces of me are now walking around with him and who gave him those pieces? I did. I risked all that I was for all that I thought I could be if I was with him – I played myself.
Listen some people will walk into your life knowing very well that they will hurt you, but they do it anyway because you are something that they have to taste because they don’t want to miss out. Don’t allow yourself to be tasted, turned upside down and then tossed aside by any man (Except Drake, he gets a pass) or woman. I got so caught up in having someone in my life that I completely overlooked and made excuses for how they treated me. I was so silly actually, I thought I could change someone and mold them into what I needed them to be for me, but it sure as hell doesn’t work like that honey. At the end of it all, I learnt that you can’t make someone see your value, and I guess some people have never really held onto quality and that’s why they can’t even recognize it when it’s standing right in front of them.
KADAN – (n) “where the heart lies”, an all-purpose word for a person one cares about, including friends, family and loved ones.